For My First Child

As you now know, the transition from one child to two has not been easy for me. I still have pangs of guilt for each moment I can't spend with Rudy and, while I hope and believe that one day she'll love having a sister (aka-playmate, friend and partner in crime) for now Maude takes away more than she gives to Rudy.

I've had this same worry throughout my pregnancy and as I approached the end of my third trimester, I felt myself becoming more and more tied to Rudy. By June, I would have slept in Rudy's bed if I weren't so uncomfortable, but I longed to just soak up the last shreds of time I had to spend just with her. I kept wanting to give her as much attention as I could and to fill her heart with enough love that she would never question her place in our family in the days to come... even if there was going to be less attention for her and fewer hugs in the near future.

Of course, we talked and read books about how special big sisters are and how families grow and a new baby is another person who will love her but my heart still broke whenever I thought about Rudy's days as an only child being numbered. It was a very emotional time for me and I think it is for many parents. Your hormones are crazy and your family is about to change and you understand the significance but you still don't really know what to expect. As I sobbed one night watching Rudy chat with her stuffed animals on the baby monitor, I wrote a poem to share with her one day.

A Poem For My First

The sun has set on just us two.
Tomorrow welcomes someone new.
While big adventures come our way.
For now, I'll have less time to play.

I feel a tear drip down my cheek
I've felt a pull these past few weeks.
This thought that in my happiness
Your upside down world is a mess.

For years you've had me all for you.
And I know you'll share- you always do!
But still it's hard to think that soon,
Another babe will share this room.

Of course you'll teach them favourite things.
Building, climbing, fairy wings.
But mama's lap will now hold two
and stories won't all be for you.

But my love, I need you to hear and know:
That my love for you can only grow.
For, the reason I knew I'd want another:
was that YOU made me the happiest, luckiest mother.

My biggest fear is that Rudy would feel displaced with a new baby in the house and may even feel a little less loved by us. The good news is that we're not even four weeks old as a family of four and already, Rudy seems to have adjusted well. Kids are so resilient and newborns may steal your sleep, but they don't yet require the same focus as a toddler! I make sure that when Rudy walks into a room (even if I'm holding or nursing Maude) my eyes light up as if I'd been waiting for her all day. She is always greeted with an excited "There's my Rudy" and I'm thrilled to see that Rudy seems more confident and happy than ever! Our girl knows she's loved!

Photo by Lindsay Lou Photography

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